Apr 1, 2009

So what’s the best way to discipline your kid/kids? (part 1)

Lately, my little Miya started to show that she’s already a big girl. She expressed her feelings well, by nodding yes in confirming on something that she wants, she will pull my shirt when she wants breast milk, she will try to open the fridge when she wants juice, and she will affirm express no when she’s disapproving something. If I fail to understand any of these expression she makes, tantrum drama bound to go on air.

So this little drama queen is growing bigger and smarter... and also at times mischievous and naughty too. When she’s determined over something, nothing in this world can stop her... usually ending with me giving her a slap on her wrist. Example; she will always want to terrorize her papa’s computer or terrorize the already packed garbage bag (that I was suppose to take out ASAP), I will always warn her. I said no...But she continued doing it, then gave a FIRM NO, but she keep going on...Then i explained why i said NO... and if she keep on going...there will be a smack on the wrist.

Usually after that, either she will draw herself to another place or she will still keep on doing the stuff that I have prohibited her to do. If she draws herself to another place, this mama does feel a bit guilty (dalam hati...oh kesian anak mama, tp mama dah warning kan?). But if she continues doing the bad thing even though I’ve punished her, my blood will start boiling.

So what’s the best way to discipline your kid/kids?

Following the Islamic method, commonly there are 2 ways to discipline a child; rationalization (daily life) & cane (ibadah). Rationalization is by teaching logic of cause and effect on life’s practicality. Cane if for serious stuff, anak tak nak solat & refuse to fulfil other basic requirement in Islam. My opinion on caning berkaitan dgn ibadah ni, it very good coz kalau benda mandatory tak boleh buat, mmg eloklah kena rotan. Kalau tak tak jadi manusia kan?

I read an old skool method established during our parents and their parent’s time would be punishments through physical. Rotan, tali pinggang, cubit, tampar & pulas telingae. How far did the impact hit the kid? I dunno about others, for me, it lasted only as far as the pain lasted. Bila hilang sakit tu, usually i lupa dah balik kenapa i kena rotan or kena cubit. Hehehhee...

I read some writings by Dr. Louise Davis (expert on” Extension Child and Family Development Specialist “) dalam mendisiplinkan anak. Dia mentioned is there a difference between discipline and punishment?

Anwser is YES!! Dr Davis address matters; What is discipline? What is punishment?

Discipline is guidance. When we guide children toward positive behaviour and learning, we are promoting a healthy attitude. Positive guidance encourages a child to think before he acts. Positive guidance promotes self-control. Different styles of discipline produce results that are different. Discipline requires thought, planning, and patience.

Punishment is usually hitting, spanking, or any type of control behaviour. Basically there are four kinds of punishment:

Physical. Slapping, spanking, switching, paddling, using a belt or hair brush, and so on.

With words. Shaming, ridiculing, or using cruel words.

Holding back rewards. Example: "You can't watch TV if your chores aren't done."

Penalizing the child. Example: "Because you told a lie, you can't have your allowance."

Punishment is usually used because:

a. It's quick and easy

b. Parents don't know other methods

c. Punishment asserts adult power

d. It vents adult frustration

Punishment does not promote self discipline. It only stops misbehaviour for that moment. Punishment may fulfil a short-term goal, but it actually interferes with the accomplishment of your long-term goal of self control.

The consequences for children include the following lessons:

1. Those who love you the most are also those who hit you.

2. It is right to hit those you are closest to.

3. It is okay to hit people who are smaller than you are.

4. Violence is okay when other things don't work.

Parents and teachers would probably rather teach their children other more positive lessons.

Children who are disciplined without affection respond only to power--which means punishment and "have to be made to do."

When discipline is administered in such a way as to hurt a child's self-esteem or self-worth, the child's standards may become rigid or self-punishing. However, affection without discipline may result in children who deny responsibility or blame others. Parents and teachers of successful children maintain control.

It is better we parents understand that discipline is:

Helping a child learn to get along with family and friends, Teaching a child to behave in an agreeable way, and Helping a child learn to control behaviour.

Effective Discipline

The use of discipline is thinking and trying process. Remember:

Effective discipline is good for parent and child.

A child learns to take responsibility for his or her behaviour.

The parent keeps a warm relationship with the child.

The goal is to teach the child how to behave, not to make the child suffer.

Guidance Tips

When you discipline, explain why.

Set clear and safe limits. Be sure children know these limits. Be consistent.

Keep discipline positive. Tell children what to do instead of what not to do.

Teach by example. Be a good example. If you hit children for hitting others, they won't understand why they can't hit.

Guide through consequences. If a child leaves his toys outside and the toys are stolen or damaged--no toys.

Build self-esteem and respect. Avoid words that reduce self-esteem.

Plan ahead. Prevent misbehavior by eliminating situations that spell trouble. For example, make sure children have been fed and are rested before going to the grocery store.

Address the situation; do not judge the child. This is important because diminished self-esteem leads to insecurity, even hostility.

Be firm. Clearly and firmly state that the child does what needs to be done. Speak in a tone that lets your child know you mean what you say and you expect the child to do it. It doesn't mean yelling or threatening. Being firm works for any age child and for many situations.

Keep your cool. Listen calmly to your child's explanation of the problem; talk about ways to deal with it. Come to a solution that's agreeable to you and the child--this helps the child learn to be responsible for his behaviour.


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Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor nor am I a lawyer. I am not a scientist nor am I an expert. I am just a wife and a mother, who is putting her thoughts and findings in a blog. All of the posting on this website & my blogs were written by me for educational purposes and as my sentimental library, but are not meant to diagnose nor treat any medical disorders. Any other materials that I may have quote from other published materials are for educational purposes only and not for any other manipulative reasons. Anyway, whatever weird stuff that I published are the real stuff that I believe works for me. Tips and tricks that might work for me. You are free to put it in your head if you thinks its valuable, but if you think its rubbish... Please don't mock me. Do please shut your pie hole.
FUCK YOU UP!!! son of a bitch